More of me in Your Spirit

This week my life was interrupted by an uninvited guest.

I must confess I did not live up to the name of our Lord, Jesus. Oh God, forgive me! It was because of my past hurts, my fatherless children, I put all the blame upon them. I know I should not! Like the Chinese saying, I should not use a bamboo to hit the whole ship of people.... But I just want to be honest with myself and I found difficulty in worshipping my Lord this week, because of this hidden sin.....

Struggling at the edge, I turn to my bible tonight. Here, comes His words. Indeed I deserve His spanking, but I thank God for that!

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." ..........Ephesians 4:31-32

Oh Dear God,
Indeed, harbored sin interferes with Your Spirit circulation. Lord, I confess my sin to You now. O God, I truly want to leave all my past hurts onto Your Holy feet and not to take back some. I know it will be hurting along the way, but I want to seek healing by You and not men. Lord, forgive me that I ignore You this week. I want to restore and reconcile with You.. Lord, help me to remove the hatred in me and empower me with a forgiving heart. Lord, I want to let Your Spirit to have more of me....I need to be filled by Your Spirit once again and run deep into Your grace....... Amen

O Lord, help me to be contented

"Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me--it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles.".............. Philippians 4:11-14 (The Message)

Tonight, I am reading this verse again. I salute to Paul who wrote this. Indeed, it is not easy to be contented. How can I be contented? Is it being contented, I lost my goal? Will I lost my ambition for being contented? What is my goal? How do I see successes? Am I measuring myself with my material riches, my status in the secular world? Where am I standing now - top or bottom? Too many questions, and they are all about the me of the world!

Oh God,
I have so much desires and wants. Lord, my spirit is troubled tonight. I am thinking of the flat I am staying now. Lord, it is my desire to have full ownership of this flat. This is the only way to chase away the creditors coming with their summons. Lord, I know I need to thank You for a roof over my head and my children. Lord, am I asking too much for this? It is a long and costly process to have this ownership. Lord, if this is You will, I ask for Your provision and smooth delivery for this to happen. O Lord, teach me to be contented for what I have now and who am I now. O Lord, empower me with Your power to see more of Your works than to see the things in the world. Remind me that all these things are temporal and only You, are eternal. Lord, I want to trust You that You will provide the best for me, even in my adversities...........Amen

Disappointment, blessings and homesick

In the midst of fearing of a Writ of seizure to my place, again I thank God for answering to my plea.

Disappointment and blessings, I just feel that they go hand in hand. While here, there will so much disappointment in life, yet I can still see little blessings come along the way..

I felt the love and concern from my friends - in church and outside of church. I was really touched. They are just like manna feeding me in the wilderness.. I thank God for them.

And this book written by Philip Yancey - Disappointment with God. He wrote that
"For people who are trapped in pain, or in a broken home, or in economic misery, or in fear - for all those people, for all of us, heaven promises a time, far longer and more substantial than the time we spent on earth, of health and wholeness and pleasure and peace. If we do not believe that, then as Paul plainly stated, there's little reason to believe at all. Without that hope, there is no hope.

The Bible never belittles human disappointment (remember the proportion in Job - one chapter of restoration follows forty-one chapters of anguish), but it does add one key word: temporary. What we feel now, we will not always feel. Our disappointment is itself a sign, an aching, a hunger of something better. And faith is, in the end, a kind of homesickness - for a home we have never visited but have never once stopped longing for."

When I read this, it dug deep into my spirit. Indeed, in the new home, HE will wipe every tear from my eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

As I write this, I begin to feel more and more homesick.....

Cling to HIM

Oh God,

As the tides are going out, another tidal wave is paving its way. Lord, I really do not know what will be the outcome. But I stubbornly cling to You in this time of hardship. Lord, I will pray more, much more - It may be involved than I ever dream. I know it require faith to believe that, and the faith is to trust that I will never abandoned, no matter how distant You seems.....Lord, in this pilgrimage of faith, I am aware that there will be a time of severe testing. Just like your faithful servant, Job.... Lord, I plead for your mercy upon me and my entire household that You watch over every bit of it.. Lord, thank you for Your word this morning that in all things, we are more than conquerors through You, my Lord, who loved us..... Lord, thank you, even in this time of adversity, I want to say, You still there, You have not moved. It was me that moved..... Lord, even in my limpings, strengthen me spiritually to battle in Your heavenly realms...... Amen

The Lord's way

After a roller coaster of a week, I feel the tides are going out this morning.

The domestic helper is in. Indeed, I have never felt my house so clean before. She has tidied up the kitchen, packed the children's cupboard - all these in half a day's work. I think the layer of dust has frightened her, haha. Just feel so blessed at this point of time...

My gal kept her words. She came back before six yesterday. She knew that I love her and very concern about her, or maybe overly concern. I cannot help it. She is the only girl I have. I really really do not want to see her following my path and got hurt in relationships...

As the Lord said in Isaiah 55:9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts". I just have to completely surrender my gal into Lord's hand.

Oh Dear Lord,
I felt the tides are going out. Lord, I feel you this morning and I sense the peace in my heart. Lord, I thank you for all things again, no matter how, Lord, I want to trust you. Please teach me Your ways these days... Lord, watch over my gal. I am aware this is a sensitive age, and puppy love starts to blossom. I pray that Lord, you grant her a discerning mind in all things, especially in relationships... Lord, I know I cannot impose my experience onto her, but I cannot help it. The hurt that I am going through is very painful and I certainly do not want to see my gal and any of my dear sisters to experience the same thing......Lord, help me to exercise all of Your powers effectively.... I commit my gal, my boy and all of my sisters onto Your holy hands.. Guide and guard of all us.. In Your Holy Name, Lord Jesus, I pray................ Amen

The unseen world - Be prepared

This whole week has been hard, for me and my gal... I just could not contain my anger and I slapped her damn hard in the public on Tuesday. Oh! what happened to me?? I lost my control at that point of time when I was provoked by her rebellious behaviour. And she was also pissed of with my continuously scoldings..

Deep in the night, I searched myself. Suddenly I realised I have entered into the unseen world. A world that the master of all evils dwells. When I came back to the real state, I was totally exhausted. The mother and child relationship ruined. I doubt God's existence. I questioned many things and I doubt my faith... Indeed, I have allowed the devil ruled me at the point of time. I was utterly defeated.. lying flat of my cold hard bed.

I have written so much about the power of grace, love, restoraton and reconciliation yet I did not exercise them at that critical time...I slapped my own face! Why? And you know what, I was not prepared at all for these things.. I forgotten the Armor of God totally. I feel so remorseful and I cried whole night.. Even now, as I write, my tears roll in my eyes.....

This morning, a sister called. She said she has prayed for me. She told me to be strong for our battle was in the unseen world with the evil forces that come to steal and destory. She showed me Ephesians 6:10-18 - The Armor of God.

Oh dear God,
Please, please forgive what I have done. Lord, I tarnished Your name, I am sorry.. I have hurt my dear child badly. Lord, I seek for Your forgiveness... Lord, I have written a sorry note to my gal, I prayed that she will forgive me too.. Lord, indeed the devil is here to destory everything that are good in Your eyes.. Lord, teach me to exercise Your power effectively, for the battle and struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers of darkness and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms... Lord, help me to stay alert and be prepared to put on the armor of God all the time.. Lord, I prayed for Your love and grace to reconcile our mother and child relationship. That Lord, You guide and guard my child's heart, mind and soul... Teach her how to discern all things that coming to her... Lord, I prayed for myself that in that name of Lord Jesus, and by the power of the Holy Spirit to remove my impulsive behaviour but to think of more of God when unfavourable things happened... Lord, teach me to cling on You even more when crisis like this happen... Lord, I thank you that You have sent sisters and brothers to me and my child at this time.. Lord, I am sure both of us learnt something through this, and I prayed, even it was an unpleasant situation, Lord, You will turn it into good for Your purpose to fulfil.. Lord, I trust you and I want to cling on to You..... In the precious name of Lord, Jesus, I pray, Amen.

A raining heart

It was raining heavily. But it did not stop me from going to MOM to pick up some forms.

After collected the forms, I stopped by Hong Lim to eat my lunch. There were many bak ku teh stalls. I just made myself comfortable with one of the tables. While waiting for my bak ku teh, I looked out to the open area. The down pour splashed hard on the ground. While watching, I traveled back to my memory lane....

It was my third semester in my pregancy. I have this craving for bak ku teh. I just loved the pig's trotters with the dark rich soya sauce. At six in the morning, I could not wait to be chauffeured to this place, just to savour this delicious dish. Indeed, I was so pampered at that time.

And now, my baby has become a beautiful young girl. She is fourteen now and I have also moved into another stage of my life.

The food came, however, it did not taste the same. How I wished I could turn back the clock to that time. How I wished I have the same taste bud as before. But I knew it would not be. All these, will always be in my memory lane....

The rain was still pouring hard and my heart went with it.........

Approach the throne of grace to pray

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."..... Hebrews 4:16

Looking out of the train window this morning, I saw the rising sun from the east. The bright orangy color of the sun looked like a salted egg yolk. It was beautiful. At that moment, I just felt nostalgia. Many things happened in the past and even now, I cannot thank God enough to see me through. Looking at the rising sun, as if it was talking to me. I just felt that there is still hope despite the on going struggles, despite many disappointments along the way.....And this Hebrews 4:16 appeared...

Dear Lord,
I felt a little depressed this morning. Mum fell and broke her hip yesterday. She was about to discharge and this thing happened. Lord, when i saw this raising sun, I give You thanks again... It has comforted me so timely.. And the verse reminded me that You are on the throne no matter what happened down here...Lord, I come to Your throne of grace again, asking for Your mercy to be upon me, my mum and all my sisters.. I ask for Your strength to be with each of us and Your healing to be ministered to my mum again... Lord, the wound of her leg was healed by Your awesome power. I remembered when I first saw the badly infected wound, I wanted to gag. But now, a new skin covers the wound. It is tender and smooth - just like the baby's skin. Lord, I give you thanks again... And I pray for Your healing on her broken hip.. Lord, make it whole again.... In Your awesome name, I pray......... Amen